What do the words "I'm sorry" mean? (2024)

After my I-don’t-have-to-apologize-for-being-disabled epiphany, I kept tripping over the idea of apologies and their purpose. I eventually decided that it’s because the words “I’m sorry” can mean many different things.

“I’m sorry” can be used as a shorthand for sympathy and empathy, like when I don’t want to take on the challenging emotions the other person is feeling or don’t know how to express everything I might be feeling. For example, “I’m sorry you pet died” might convey something like “I share your grief over the death of your beloved pet. He was a good friend to you and that loss is heartbreaking. The death of an animal or person who was always there and then suddenly isn’t is a lonely time. I wish we could be spared this pain, but that is the result of loving someone”.

I also often say “I’m sorry” when a friend is ill or having a tough time to convey my sympathy.

Using “I’m sorry” in this way isn’t an apology as we traditionally think of apologies, but demonstrates that the words can mean more than “I’m guilty”.

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Avoiding conflict

Sometimes people will say “sorry” to avoid conflict. They might not feel sympathy, empathy, or guilt, but they want the other person to stop being angry, so they apologize. From my experience, they are unlikely to change their behaviour in the future after giving what I consider to be a false apology. They don’t want to have a conversation about the hurt that they caused and they seem to think that saying “I’m sorry” is enough to earn forgiveness.

Saying “I’m sorry” can convey that I did something wrong, and I feel guilty about it. Maybe I forgot that my friend has changed their pronouns and used the old ones. I made a mistake, and I want them to know that I value and respect them, so I apologize. In this case, I think the guilt I feel is good, because it indicates that my relationship with my friend is important to me and that I realize their need for respect is important. I don’t want to feel guilty in the future, so I will take actions to better remember their pronouns. I’ll have more to say about guilt and shame in a future post.

Acknowledging the other person’s pain

“I’m sorry” can also mean that I acknowledge the ways in which my words and/or behaviour brought pain to the other person. This is important when I genuinely and accurately feel guilty for what I’ve done, as I want them to know that I see them, I respect them, and I will take action to correct my behaviour so that I don’t cause them pain in the future.

I also think it’s important to acknowledge the pain of the other person in times when it doesn’t make sense for me to feel guilty. For example, a dentist might apologize to his patient as he injects the freezing agent, even though he knows that the small amount of pain from the injection will prevent his patient from feeling the excruciating pain from having the tooth drilled. It is inappropriate for the dentist to feel guilty for administering the freezing agent. It is compassionate for him to acknowledge that there is still pain involved.

Another example: I might have the tiebreaking vote amongst my friends. Friend A wanted our group to see Barbie on opening night. Friend B wanted us to see Oppenheimer. We’ve decided that the group will see whichever movie I choose, and there is only enough time for us to see one movie. I am guaranteed to disappoint one of my friends, so I’ll say “I’m sorry” to the friend who doesn’t get to see the movie they want, even though I don’t, and shouldn’t, feel guilty about my choice.

When I was discussing our use of apologies with a friend, we agreed that we both apologize a lot for stuff we don’t need to feel guilty about. Like saying sorry for not replying to a text right away. We didn’t want each other to feel guilty about stuff like that But! We also agreed that we liked hearing the apology. Being acknowledged feels nice.

When I think about saying “I’m sorry” these days, I try to figure out what I’m saying with those words first. Am I trying to convey sympathy or empathy? Am I acknowledging their pain for something I did? Do I need to take steps to repair our relationship? Am I trying to avoid a confrontation? Do I feel shame and guilt when I say “I’m sorry” even if I don’t deserve that shame and guilt? Can I say “I’m sorry” without feeling guilt and shame?

When I go back to analyze the example from my introduction post (where I had a meltdown, said mean things to him that picked at his insecurities, and felt tremendously guilty afterwards), this is what I tell myself:

Between the pain and energy limitations from long COVID, the overwhelming shock, sadness, shame, and anger from the rejection and life-disruption of the breakup, and not yet having learned how to take care of my needs as an autistic person, I had a very limited capacity for any additional stress to my life
My ex said things to me that were really disrespectful and that put me over my capacity
My brain overheated and I did not have control1 over the words that erupted out of my mouth2 so I do not need to feel guilty about it, even if I don’t like that it happened
The following response wouldn’t work in this situation as we are no longer friends, but it is what I would hope to say in the future if I have a meltdown in front of a friend/partner/family member: “Thank you for bearing with me during that meltdown. They feel so bad for me and I can see that they affect you too. I really appreciate your support. This is my body’s way of telling me that I need to change something to get my needs met. Can we work together to find a way to accommodate my needs?”3

What do you think about this response – how do you think you would feel hearing it rather than I’m sorry? And are there other meanings to the words “I’m sorry” that I haven’t thought of? As always, I’m interested in your thoughts and opinions!